"She Blinded Me With Science"
This is the brief history of Marshall Flinkman's love life.
1979: sat next to Jennifer Hawthorne in kindergarten. Offered to share sky-blue crayon with her as a way of flirting, although he wasn't quite sure what flirting was yet. Was informed that he had cooties, as did his crayon, and apparently the whole color of the sky. Realized that perhaps he was not going to be a boy who inspired wild, mad, blinding love in girls.
1987: went to very first middle-school dance. Was shortest boy in a room where even the tallest boys were shorter than most of the girls. Did not get asked to dance once. Did not dare ask anyone himself. Lied about this when he went home and spend the rest of night watching his VHS tape of "Wargames."
1993: asked four different girls to the prom, in descending orders of coolness, all of whom turned him down. Ended up going with his chemistry lab partner, who chose the event to come out to him as a lesbian. Instead of getting laid on prom night like everyone else, spent three hours sitting with his date in absurdly expensive rental limo while strategizing how best to break this to her parents someday. Gained lifelong friend, but did not inspire wild, mad, blinding love.
1995: met Keiko in MIT library. Asked her out and was not rejected, which was exhilarating and then terrifying, as most people have been on their first date before age 19. Date went okay until began talking about his vector-analysis project, just as dinner was being served, and Keiko's eyes began to glaze over. Turned out to share interest in some designer pharmaceuticals and spent most of sophomore year free time getting baked and finally, finally, thank Jesus finally, having sex. Still wondered when or if wild, mad, blinding love would ever happen.
1996: Broke up with Keiko over stupid argument about narrative and characterization quality of "Star Trek: Voyager."
1999: Graduated from college and took job with SD-6, which did not offer as many opportunities to meet women as suggested in Bond movies. Did meet Sydney Bristow, a woman who could inspire wild, mad, blinding love in men, women, animals and inanimate objects. Slaved under the burden of his fiercest crush for a year, despite knowing, very surely, that she was out of his league. Wondered just what his league was, and thought perhaps knowing that would help him find some woman who was in it.
2001: Tried internet dating. Redefined "hell" in personal lexicon.
2002: Met Carrie at work. Realized that Carrie's crypto-analysis program ran even faster than his. Discovered that Carrie had found the exact same error in A Brief History of Time that he had. Went to her place to see her personal spectrometer, which is better than "looking at some etchings" any day. And finally, finally, sweet Jesus finally, realized that this time, the wild, mad, blinding love was happening, happening to him, which was the best of all.